I own the cd that this song is on and tonight for some reason this song really hit home...


"Here By Me"

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I know I should be in bed and I was in bed, but I for the life of me can't sleep right now. I'm way to hurt and upset to sleep. I'm not crying though which surprises me. I think its cause I'm sick and just tired. I don't know who to turn to right now when I'm upset or frustrated. I can't turn to my mom cause she just doesn't have the time to listen to me anymore. When I do talk to her about things that frustrate me she always tells me there isn't anything she can do about it. Even though time and time again I have told her that I don't want her to do anything but listen to me. But even then she always tells me that she can't help me. I can't turn to my sister cause me and her don't click on the same levels. Plus she has never acted like an older sister. I could never and have never been able to turn to her for anything. My brother has his own problems and only thinks of himself, so there goes that idea of turning to him. I've never been able to talk to my dad either causehe has never been that emotionally involved with any of his kids. My whole life I've had to turn to counselors at hospitals to talk to and help me figure things out or just let me talk. That was until I met my husband. I can usually talk to him about anything, but I'm so used to just bottling things up inside that sometimes I can't talk to him either. I've never been one to have friends. I have a few and I do mean a few as in 2. One I can talk to and tell them things but I don't get to talk to them that often. The other friend, is still a new friend. We're still growing as friends so its hard to want to use them as a sounding board. My mother in law I can talk to, just not have heart to heart talks just yet. I have two sisters in law, who are 3 years older than me. I wanted desperatly for them to like me so I can for a change have an older sister. Someone I can have heart to heart talks with. Someone I can relate to. I thought I found that in one of them. I could go to her house and talk and it feels like we are getting close cause we can relate in a certain way, mostly because we are used to our husbands being gone cause of their jobs. Her husband is in construction and has to travel alot in the state for his job. Mine is military and he leaves every now and then...Well put it this way I've known my husband 3 years and we've spent aproximatly a year and 8 months of that together. Now his other sister who I thought I could have alot more incommon with cause we do share the fact that we are both military wives, we have absolutly nothing in common and I dislike her alot. She can be very self centered in alot of ways. But somehow tonight, I turned out to be the most self centered selfish bitch that she has ever known. So this is how it all rolled out...

Sister in law #2 messaged me on yahoo asking whether or not if hubby and I will still be going to Colorado for our vacation this fall. I told her that it was still being talked about and then asked her why she was wondering. She proceeded to tell me that she was going to somewhere in Colorado a few times this fall as well. That there in my mind is a work up for anyone saying "Well if you are there when I'm there maybe we can meet up and do dinner or something". I told Sister in Law #1 thath Sister in law #2 was asking about whether or not we were going to colorado and mentioned the fact that she'll probably try and ruin it.. Here lately Sister in law #2 has been getting on everyones last nerve and can ruin anything at anytime just by complaining about something stupid that happends to everyone else. Plus in my view its a vacation with my husband. A time for us to get away from our families here in NC and to get away from the military for a little while, to just relax and enjoy being husband and wife instead of Airman and Military wife. I think in someways I deserve to be selfish and self centered where dealing with vacations and time off is concerned. I don't get to see my husband that often even when he is home. His work schedule keeps him busy so I don't get much time with him. Anyway, Sister in Law #1 told what I mentioned to her to Sister in Law#2 and now as I said before I'm the most self centered selfish bitch that she has ever known in her life. Which I also know that cant' be totally true cause my husbands ex fiance was 100% worse than I am. Yes, I know I can be a bitch and self centered. My husband will vouch for that. But I'm not like that all the time and I wasn't like that tonight. I feel like crap tonight.
Im really ready for my husband to be home. I'm tired of dealing with all this non sense all alone. I'm tired of not having him to lean on when I need him. My strength that I've had is giving out big time. Here lately I feel like I've had to keep enough strength for both me and my husband to get us both through this next month. I have tons weighing heavily on my shoulders and they are giving out. I can't hold anymore. Things that I had planned out for my life I'm not even sure of anymore or sure of what order I want them to come in. I know I shouldn't plan my life out in the way I'm trying to and that I should let God take control, but my thoughts are so jumbled that I'm not even sure what to do.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do when my husband gets home, Do I want to work or go to school? I wanted to go to school, but I realize there are things Im going to need for school that I can't afford right now. I want to work to help keep us ahead financially, but its hard to find a job thats flexible and being a military wife I need a job that can be as flexible as I need it to be to keep up with the schedule that my husband is on. But first and fore most I know I want to start a family. By this time next year I would like to have a baby if its possible. But, I know that when there is a baby in the works I won't get to work or go to school. But then I think I'm 22 years old. I have time to do anything. Its just all weighing really heavy on my mind. It might get better when my husband gets home, it might not. I do know one thing that would get better when he gets home. I can stand to be in the same state with all our family again when he gets home. However, I'd love to move again... I don't care where just far from here. Yet I found out while I was in Japan that you can never get away from the drama that family members put out. It can follow you anywhere, but you do need a support system of some kind to get through it.

Ok its late enough. I think I can sleep now so I'm going to try and get a few hours.

I thought Christmas would be tough to get through, but who knew the hardest part was New Years. This is the worst I have felt since he left. Not being able to spend New Years with the one you love and kiss them at the stroke of midnight hurts. I don't know the words to describe how it feels.

I just wnat to curl up in his arms and make love to him to welcome the New Year in. Then fall asleep with my head laying on his chest, just listening to his heart beat. I miss it all so much.


Only have a month and a half to go, but it feels like its been forever since I have even seen him.


I miss you My Love and Happy New Year!

After having almost a month where my sleep schedule was nicely normal, it got all messed up again. Part of me doesn't want to sleep at all and the other part just wants to sleep and not wake up for a few months.

Tonight I'm cleaning. I'm trying to get this place in order before I leave for two weeks. I get a nice little vacation away from life for a bit. But not to far from life cause my vacation is taking place at my mom and dad's house. Which around the Holidays its never to much fun cause my dad insists on making everyone miserable just cause he has nothing to do. I always pray that each year will get better, but I have this funny feeling we'll be pushing him back to work right after Christmas. *grin*

Two weeks till Christmas....Where did the time fly? I love Christmas just hate the effects it has on me. I'm a real giving person so Christmas effects my husbands and mine bank account badly. However, I didn't do to bad this year. Christmas effects my depression big time. I'm used to spending my Christmasses with close to 19 people. Growing up in Ny, I'm used to white Christmasses. Since I moved away from NY it seems my depression acts up more cause I'm away from all those who I used to spend Christmas with. Especially two very favorite people I know. They are like my third set of grandparents. I miss them deeply around this time of year. My anxiety acts up due to the fact that I don't really do big,busy crowds and they are everywhere this time of year. Wanna know what the hardest part of this Christmas is? Yup, you guessed it! Being away from the one person that I love more than anything in the world. What really sucks is I have to get used to him not being home for Christmas. He'll be gone every other year right around the holidays. Sucks huh?

I've been so stressed out lately due to everything I have to do or had to do that my plans have changed for the holidays. I'm going to my parents house this weekend cause we are going to Old Salem. I can't wait to go there! I"ve been waiting to go there since I was little. AFter that I was supposed to go to my in laws two days before Christmas Eve. I decided to wait till after New Years and deliver the late Christmas presents then so I can stay longer. I hate doing it that way, but trying to travel the way I wanted to do it before was just to much for one person to do. Especially since I"m taking all 3 of my pets with me. Since I'm going away for two weeks I didn't want my neighbor to take care of my cats. She has alot going on with her mom in law comming in to town and also being in the middle of moving. So that should be really fun traveling with all 3 pets. Thank goodness its only a 2 hour drive.

This Christmas should be interesting. I'm not one to like surprises, which I've had to get used to dealing with surprises since I first my my husband. But thats a different story in itself. Anyway, I'm the type of person who always has to look to see what I'm getting for a gift before I actually get it. Over the years I have learned to open up wrapping paper and then wrap it back up without anyone knowing. This year I wont have the ability to do that. Last year, when in Japan, I kinda knew what I was getting cause it was listed there on the customs form. This year I have no clue. But, funny thing is that I really have no interest of knowing. *sigh* Maybe I'm growing up in more ways than one finally.

Just as a side thing. I was thinking the other day about how the last time my husband deployed he would send me flowers every now and then. It sucks knowing we haven't had the money for him to do that again, if he wanted to of course. I miss getting flowers from him. I miss getting letters from him...I've sent him cards with notes attached to it and I haven't gotten anything yet. But I guess with modern day technology e-mails and talking to him online works about the same. The phone calls I get do help alot too. I guess I just miss the romance that we had when we were semi dating. Ya see we never really dated that much. We dated for 3 months and that was it. Now that we are married, we hardly have the time to see each other. I wonder what its going to be like when we have kids...

Well....Gotta get back to cleaning. To bad the house can't clean itself. Ya think I can train my pets to clean instead of making the mess that they do???

The Romantic Princess

You are absolutely in love with love! Charming,
romantic, and feminine are all words that
describe you. You are a huge flirt and know how
to use your feminine wiles to get your way. You
are always on the lookout for the guy who will
sweep you off your feet.

Role Models: Isolde, Juliet

You are most likely to: Free a cursed prince from a
terrible spell with a single kiss.


What Kind of Princess are You? - Beautiful Artwork (Original Music is BACK!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written you since I was a child, but I need some help. This is my favorite time of year and I can't seem to find my Christmas Spirit. Sadly, I don't even care to celebrate Christmas. You see, this year my husband has been called up to serve his country and won't be spending Christmas at home with me and everyone else. I wish you could bring him home to me, but I know that will be an impossible task and I'll just have to wait. Waiting is what I'll do too. I know I'll spend Christmas with him next year but he'll be leaving again the year after around the same time. Guess I have to get used to it. But, its so hard this year. I wish I could enjoy this season like I have all Christmases before. My heart just isn't in it.   I want to enjoy the Christmas season again.  If you could grant my wish before Christmas Eve I'd appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Kim

Well, it has happened again. I've been up all night going on 17 hours without sleep. I think I will more than likely break the 24hr mark cause I have things I have to do for my mom. I have spent the past 4 days at my parents house. My mom is going out of town today for business and I told her I would cook dinner for my dad and brother. So while I'm waiting for their dinner to finish cooking I have a few projects to finish up so I can send them to my hubby. I'll also be going out to lunch today with a very dear friend of mine. I haven't seen him in a few years so it will be nice to see him again. Me and him have been through som troubling times as friends, it has drawn us closer together over the years. He's very much like the older brother that I didn't have. Take that back.. I did have an older brother I just didn't have the chance to know him.

Its been almost a week since I got a phone call from my hubby. I miss his voice. I doubt I'll get to hear his voice until we get paid again. I haven't gotten to talk to him online either. So I've been living for every single e-mail I can possibly get. It doesn't matter if they are one sentence or 3 words in the e-mail, they still mean everything to me. *sigh* I can't wait till he's home so I don't have to keep going through this.

I wonder why it is that everytime it feels my heart is breaking in two that I can't cry. I miss my husband like crazy and there are some nights that are harder than others, but for some reason I can't cry. However, when something else happeneds I can shed a tear easily. I guess its a good thing that I don't cry over missing him, but yet I constantly feel blank inside. I don't like feeling blank inside. When I start feeling blank inside and it shows to my husband, it feels like it starts driving a wedge between us. Having that wedge there is a scary feeling.

I wish I could go to bed tonight and feel him beside me, feel his arm wrap around me. Just feel his warmth.

*sigh* I wish I could just cry and get it over with...